Selfish Sacrifice
by LolaStolaColaOla
Summary: Kakashi wondered how much longer it would be. How many more sent and recived emails, important business meetings and signed off mission reports it would take before he officially went mad. Warning: contains... revelation.


**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto**

 **...**

All his life, Kakashi had always been the one on the front lines.

During his very short years spent in the academy, his even shorter days as a chunin, even when he'd first been promoted to jonin on Team Minato, on the front lines was where he'd always been. That had all been not too long ago, yet to him it felt as if it had been a century. It was odd. However, nothing could ever be stranger than what he felt every passing day now. A feeling of discomfort. His previous days of living the life of an elite ninja commanded to carry out orders was familiar territory and it put him at ease. But now with being the Sixth Hokage, Kakashi was sure no amount of time would ever get him accustomed to this... new life of his.

It was the most important occupation any Shinobi could ever dream of filling, yes, but Kakashi found being on the battlefield, fighting for the security of himself and those precious to him, all while occasionally being pushed to the brink of death, more appealing than, well, _this_ : Sitting in a cushioned, leather chair especially for him, peering out frequently at the spring skies and twinkling stars as tedious hours on end of work passed him by.

It just wasn't him.

By the fourth month of this new job of his, Kakashi was seriously considering swearing Naruto in early. Very early.

He wondered how much longer it would be. How many more sent and received emails, important business meetings and signed off mission reports it would take before he officially went mad. What was it that his current life lacked? Was it _truly_ the fast-paced action of constantly being on his feet? Was it the constant flirtatious dance with something so dangerously beautiful as deathly risk? Was it the rush of saving someone else's life? He honestly couldn't say. But still, he couldn't stop himself from wondering-

"Ah, you're in quite early, aren't you, Kakashi-sama?"

Two steel eyes lazily glanced up from the report he was busy observing. Suppressing a yawn he took in the sandaled feet and sleek black cloth that clung loosely to the person's approaching legs. He sighed when he saw the, no doubt most expensive sake the village had to offer along with tiny drinking cups that were placed on a tray held by careful, sender hands. He didn't have to turn to the large window behind him to know the sun had barely even begun its rise yet. "Wanted to get an early start. It'd be nice to get outta here a bit quicker today if it can be helped." He gave the report in his hands another once-over. "And I thought I mentioned to drop the whole 'Sama' thing, Shizune. It's really over the top," Kakashi muttered, not looking up again from his task.

"Oh? Why in such a hurry today? If I may ask, Kakashi-sama, got some plans for the night?" His assistant ignored the request that had only been uttered well over a hundred times since he'd taken office. The soft noise of a tray being set on his desk came next. He nearly rolled his eyes.

"I won't be needing that you know," he ignored his assistant's question in return. It seemed to be a thing they had going on between them ever since he'd first become Hokage; a little game of questions asked and no answers given. There was so much Shizune, as his apprentice, was already required to know for his own well being, and he being a naturally secretive man, there were _some_ thing the Hatake still wished to keep to himself. Even if really, there was nothing much to hide.

When a small laugh met his ears, he looked up to see the black haired woman with a raised eyebrow. She nodded towards the rice wine bottle. "I hate to break it to you, but you might find yourself reconsidering later with the work load you've got today. Word's just got to us that a neighboring town has recently been attacked by some gangly outsiders; some of them are said to be rouge ninja from the hidden Mist." when Kakashi simply stared back at her in response, Shizune winked. "Oh, don't forget, I was once responsible for keeping the Legendary Sucker somewhat under control; I think I can manage making sure you don't get out of hand."

Kakashi looked to the clock above her head in the back remembering when it was he who'd been the one getting summoned this early in the morning to take care of a simple problem such as the one in the nearby town. He remembered when he'd been the one standing over the Hokage's desk. An odd feeling settled in his stomach once more. Only this time it was one that he couldn't quite identify, yet it left him feeling warmer with a fairly rare prick of irritation coming with it. All of this pampering, the Kakashi-sama's, the sudden, unwanted formalities offered by those around him that he'd known all his life had quickly become a pet peeve of his. It was all so many small things and so much. Too much for a man that had only gotten three hours of sleep the previous night. His mind had been racing as he tossed and turned in his bed. All the while even during those torturous, thoughtful hours he couldn't help but think wryly that at least here at night his _mind_ was getting the luxury of action, more than he himself was getting physically nowadays.

A silence passed over the room. The ticking of the clock signifying the continuation of time… time wasted… Time stuck here doing so much, yet so little.

"Right…. I guess I'll leave you to it then." The awkward note in Shizune's voice signified her acknowledgement of his somewhat sour mood. "I'll be back with some papers."

"How do you do it?"

Shizune paused in her tracks, turning her head ever so slightly to glance back. "Huh?"

His steady eyes had roamed over her facial features, the smoothness of her skin, the slick texture and shine of her short, black hair within a mere second. How old was she? He knew she was present even as he himself was growing up. Shizune couldn't have been much younger, if not the same age as he was. Yet, as his tiny reflection peered back at him through the gleaming sake bottle that mocked him, the dark circles and faint bags under his eyes would've testified their major gap in age. She… really hadn't aged a day, had she? Her bright yet dark gaze that held confusion only further supported his assessment.

"...Ever since our graduation, it's true that I had always been ahead. But I was never completely blind to what was going on behind me. As I looked back, I saw as my other classmates, including you, made your way up the ranks." As the Hokage, Kakashi knew he got more leeway than the average person when it came to nearly everything, and for once, he was willing to take a bit of that power to his advantage, even if he'd never addressed Shizune in this way. "As every other ninja of our generation eventually stood alongside us in the ranks, I was able to see that you weren't exactly like the rest. Unlike many of the Kunoichi of our year, I could see that you were the one with the most potential. Your chakra control and appliance was remarkably outstanding. And as Tsunade-sama took you under her wing, your growing potential was finally getting fed." Kakashi's hands had become extremely interesting within the last few seconds as he examined them on his desk, a pen weaving smoothly through his fingers.

"What's your point?" The Hokage didn't have to look up to detect the sense of confusion and now slight apprehension that had appeared in Shizune's tone. Nonetheless, he went on.

"Even back then anyone could see that you possessed something outstanding. A blossoming medic nin that was among the very pride of the Leaf." He paused again, letting it sink in before his woven hands made a chin rest for him. It was true. Shizune had been the balance between any three-man squad, no matter who she was placed with throughout the years, always being the one to double the rate of her team's success and safety with her medical skill and power. Of course, she hadn't reached her master's level, but she'd never been a force to reckon with, even Kakashi could admit that.

Which is why he never had-still didn't understand.

He didn't understand how someone so powerful with so much promise... "I know what the Leaf has always encouraged: it's best a medical specialist stay behind the front lines in the career of a shinobi. But from what I've seen, you've spent so many years standing on the side lines by someone else's side as they shined. Doing all of the running and saving behind the curtain. I've seen you make all of these ends meet for the sake of Tsunade-sama and so many others… and all while mainly keeping to this office." He didn't' need to voice the question. It was as plain as day.

How?

 _How, can someone with such power as yours... Living like you do..._

 _How does one not lose her mind?_

When Kakashi looked up, he didn't quite know how to react to the smile that had graced his assistant's face. Her eyes had closed pleasantly as her head was titled to the side. "It's funny. I've been like this for years, as you said. And no one's... No one's ever mentioned this before."

For several seconds, Shizune said nothing more and her eyes had opened again, now staring down at something near the floor, her brow furrowed. Kakashi found himself holding his breath. Had he crossed an invisible line?

"You know... living behind the scenes is the only way some learn to function. The only way some _can_ function." Her voice had come out so quietly that Kakashi had almost mistaken it for his tired mind playing around with him. But the eyes that stared back at him with something a bit fierce told him he was fully awake.

"My time spent by Tsunade-sama's side, by the sides of others around me... Those years have not been wasted. The path I've chosen is not regretted. Not in the slightest." There was silence that passed once more, and when Kakashi saw another small smile suddenly on the edge of her lips, he knew he hadn't truly offended her. He was relieved, yet apprehensive of her next words by the sudden look in her eyes. "For instance, Kakashi, everyone alive knows you have an extremely intellectual mind, don't you? I would like to think it takes brains to be a prodigy after all." A giggle followed, and the Hokage found himself relaxing instantly at the lessened formality. "I would usually, but I feel it's unnecessary to wonder why you haven't assumed the the role of the Hokage sooner with that advanced and collective mind of yours."

Kakashi sat back in the swivel chair, still gazing at her through droopy eyes. A valid point.

"It seems to me that we're one in the same." She sighed quietly. "You're not the only one who's wondered about me. I'm the other person who's done the same. But I've come to realize something that I'll never forget. As shinobi, we all have potential with an array of varying skills. And we're always gonna have that one fork in the road that tells us where we can put our talents. And I suppose it's up to us to decide just where we're gonna put that talent. Then after that..." She looked up at the celling for a moment, her shoulder's coming up in a small shrug. "It's done. But of course, there's times where life asks us to take our talents and start walking on the side of the fork that we _didn't_ chose. That's life asking us to sacrifice... And live with it."

Of course.

Shizune suddenly had a determined look. "That's when it's up to us to decide if we're going to either accept life's sacrificing request, or be a bit selfish." Shizune leaned forward a bit, so they were more eye level before she spoke again, very quietly. "When it comes to me, sometimes I wonder which side of the fork I walk on. Part of me says I'm selfish for choosing to stay where I prefer as a shinobi: In this office as the Hokage's assistant. Now, don't get me wrong, even in my selfishness, there's still a ton of sacrificing on my part- and it requires strength, trust me," she said with a laugh that held the memories of stress and pains of the past, and Kakashi understood her. Soon her expression had grown solemn once again. "But you know something? It takes an even stronger shinobi to do the opposite."

Kakashi didn't look away, his mind holding a little confusion. "The opposite?"

Shizune only nodded. "So, that's why I want to thank you, Kakashi. Thank you for walking on the other side of your fork in the road. Thank you for your sacrifice." Next thing he knew, she was smiling warmly at him, her face shinning with nothing but true admiration and respect. She put a thumbs up. "So, until Naruto is ready to assume the position, let's do this and make sure you make it out of here alive, 'kay?"

She'd turned her back on him and was out the door before he could even answer. Only the sound of her faint humming down the hall remained. She'd missed the sight of his slightly widened eyes. And she'd missed the small, reluctant smile that formed under the signature mask.

If Shizune was planning to keep being a bit 'selfish'... Kakashi had a feeling that perhaps the remainder of his 'sacrifice' would be just a little less unbearable.


End file.
